All right - that's it!

I've made a decision.  This is goodbye.  I am officially posting no new content over here at blogspot.

I'll still keep my blogger account here just because it's easier to comment on other blogspot blogs with this account, so you'll see me around.

But please join me over at Wordpress!

Frozen: A review (for real this time)

In case my sense of humor and biting sarcasm doesn't translate well across the internet, the previous post was satire.  And as soon as I get around to it, the title of the post will indicate as such.

And now for what I really think –

There is SO so much I love about this movie, I don’t know how I can NOT write a novel.  I’ll try to keep this under, say, 30 pages. 

Kidding!

First of all, the opening music – here is (I believe) the full version of the song.  The movie hadn’t even started and I was ALREADY in love.

So here are the main themes I was really excited about –

1.  It’s not good to live in isolation.  Unless you voluntarily took a vow to go be a cloistered religious.  But neither Anna nor Elsa had that choice.

2.  It’s also not good to recklessly throw yourself into life without caution or self-discipline.  Anna was easily sucked into predator Hans’s web because she failed to exercise caution.  And Elsa’s “letting it go” destructively unleashed winter.

3.  Embrace life (keep the castle gates open), but channel your energies appropriately (focusing on love instead of fear), and don’t jump into a serious relationship too quickly.

4.  The true love that saves the day is sacrificial, Christ-like, sisterly love instead of romantic love.  Not that romantic love is bad or anything, but it’s been done before.  A lot.

And then there’s Olaf.

Memo to George Lucas:

This is how you do a comic relief character.

Not this.

This.

Not this.

Got it?

 I was afraid of that. 

Oh well.  I tried.

Moving on –

Overall, there are so many positive messages that I cannot overemphasize how excited I am that this movie’s popularity has caught on like wildfire.

I only have two concerns:  first, Anna spends the movie throwing emotional energy into a void.  Sure, as the audience, we see that Elsa is conflicted, but Anna doesn’t see that until adulthood, and even then I’m not sure how clear it would be from Anna’s perspective.  This message is one of those things that could be either good or bad –

1) someone in a good, healthy relationship receives a message to always keep putting effort into their relationship, even if the other person doesn’t always reciprocate right away.  When two people mutually give to each other, it’s a beautiful thing.

2) someone in an abusive, unhealthy relationship receives a message to keep on giving even when the other person continually shuts them out.  The happy ending is just around the corner, right?  Right?

In real life, if a person shuts you out the way Elsa did to Anna, let them go.  It’s the only way to protect yourself mentally and emotionally.

My second concern is that “love means putting someone else’s needs before your own.”  It does.  Absolutely.  But like Anna’s character, this message can be either good or bad in much the same way; it’s either encouraging and affirming the type of relationship that makes life worth living or it’s providing fertile ground for abuse.

So I guess when I circle back around, I wish there was a way for more people to be able to recognize abusive situations and get out before they get too far in.  I also wish we lived in a world where I didn’t have to be on the lookout for unintentional encouragement of abusive relationship dynamics in popular media.  If there were more knowledge and awareness of good vs. bad relationship dynamics in the culture at large, my concerns would basically go away.

I give this movie 7 stars out of 5.  Can I even do that?  Sure I can!  It’s my blog – I can do whatever I want!

Seriously, though – see this movie if you haven’t already.  If you need to, borrow someone’s kids (in a completely non-creepy way, of course) so you have an excuse to watch it.

Frozen: A Review (satire)

Or "Why my daughters are now lesbians."

I read that Frozen had a “gay agenda” (whatever that means) and that the movie could possibly “indoctrinate my 5-year-old to be a lesbian.”  I admit I was skeptical, especially since the guy issuing the warning hadn’t even seen themovie.

How, exactly, would he know?  Maybe God whispers in his ear?

Nah.  Couldn’t be.

So I went ahead and watched the movie with my girls, reckless heathen that I am.  And you know what?  Afterward, my 8-year-old turns to me and says, “Mommy, when I grow up I want to marry a girl.”  I asked her why.  She said, “Because Elsa’s going to marry a girl someday, so I want to marry a girl.”

I turned to my 10-year-old, who said, “Me too.  I want to grow up to be a lesbian.”

Well, wouldn’t you know!  The movie did indoctrinate my children to be gay!  And right under my nose, too!

...

What do I do now?

Game of Goats

Oh wow.  This is hilarious -

I have fallen in love

.... with Wordpress!

For now I mainly (occasionally) reblog things over there.  I may eventually move there, but I'm afraid of commitment.  So I'm still here for the foreseeable future.

Wine and food pairing

I love wine.  Red wine in particular.  I have known that there's a system of sorts for what type of wine goes with what type of food, but I've never really followed it or even known it all that well.

So imagine my delight when I found this -



Check out the original image and accompanying article here.

Convalidation Conundrum, part III of II

Wait – what?  Yeah, you read that right.  It’s my blog and I can have a part 3 out of 2 if I want to.  It’s not as if I changed the laws of physics.  Sheesh.

Anyway, we finally got everything done.  The paperwork, the pre-Cana, the FOCCUS, the paperwork, the dispensation for me to marry an unbaptized person, the decree of nullity, and oh did I mention the paperwork?  Apparently “Thou shalt kill trees to support Church bureaucracy” is the long-lost 11^th commandment.

You may recall if you read this and/or this that I was still on the fence about what, if anything, we should do to celebrate.  My mother-in-law was lobbying hard for us to have the ceremony on our 5^th wedding anniversary in June, and for a while that was the tentative plan.  But then Father called in early November and told us that all the approvals from the Archdiocese were received, everything was in order, and we could have the ceremony whenever!

All I could think about was how much I missed being able to receive Communion at Mass, so I REALLY didn’t want to wait until June to plan something big.  But when I talked to my husband it turned out that he actually wanted to do a celebration.  He does so much to support and celebrate our friends’ weddings; he wanted a chance to be the groom.  Okay.  So I called Father back and we set a date for the middle of December, six weeks from then.  And prepared for a whirlwind.

That afternoon I found and bought my dress.  In 30 minutes.  It was the first one I tried on.  I tried on a second dress, but I liked the first one the best.  Well, that was quick.  Immediately a weight was lifted off my shoulders, because I thought that part would take the longest.

Soon everything fell into place - dresses for the girls (one of which will get repurposed as a First Communion dress in spring - super win!), hair appointments, makeup decisions, flower package from Sam's Club ordered, tux for my husband, tux for the baby (so, so cute!), and a family member as a photographer.  Also, with my floor-length dress, I decided to just wear my usual black socks and gray shoes under the dress.  Well, no one could tell, so why did it matter?

One thing we couldn't quite decide on right away - what are we doing after the ceremony?  We didn't really want to pay for a full-blown reception.  Plus, neither one of us really cared about most of the trappings of a reception, anyway.  Not the cake, not the bouquet toss, none of the usual reception activities.  I thought it would have been nice to have some dancing, but it wasn't worth it to me to pay for the entire reception just for dancing.  So we settled on paying for a nice dinner for everyone after the ceremony.  That was our plan, and we were okay with it.

Fast forward to December, with ONE WEEK to go, my mother-in-law announces that we "need to" have a reception, and that she will pay for it.  My jaw hit the floor.  How in the hell is this going to even be possible?!  Well, it turns out that when you decide to have a wedding in the middle of December, plenty of places have availability!  Also, planning the reception isn't as much trouble as I thought it would be, since most places seem to have "wedding packages" - almost as if they've done this before.

Since the place needed a final headcount 48 hours after we booked the reception (with FIVE DAYS to go at this point), we begin a mad rush, calling the people we've invited to get a firm yea or nay.  Surprise!  Almost no one knew they were invited.  What the hell?  I stormed over to my husband's best friend and demanded an answer.  He is the social ringleader for our group and also works with everyone else in our group, so he was supposed to invite everyone.  Well, it turns out that while he told them the date of the convalidation, he didn't tell anyone a time, a place, or even the fact that they were invited.  Great.  The good news is, even with being invited at the last minute (grumble), most people could make it and we got our headcount.

So with only a handful of evenings left (and this is a GREAT time to suddenly be super busy at work), my husband and I picked out all the music and saved it to a playlist, to be played on shuffle at the event.  Now, this actually took a while, because while I love to dance, most of the top radio hits are absolute crap in my book.  So I vetoed probably about 90% of the suggestions sent my way; this was my ONE bridezilla moment and I am not ashamed.

Overall, it was exactly the event that we wanted.  We had about 20 people come - friends and close family.  Father heard my confession beforehand - I couldn't even get through "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned" before the tears started streaming down my face - very cleansing feeling!  The ceremony took place in a charming little chapel, Father told a touching personal story, and there are a couple of pictures of me holding my baby boy while we said our vows (he got fussy so I held him).  Both my girls were breathtakingly beautiful.  Afterward, we had food, alcohol (but not for the kids!) and lots of conversation and dancing.  At the end of the night the baby passed out in a port-a-crib in the back of the room.  I could go on about every perfect detail but this is a blog post, not a novel.  So just picture how you would feel / felt at sharing your wedding with everyone you love - THAT is how I felt.

And that's the end of the story!  We finally did it!

It still hurts

I saw this comment here by Ms. Tess Krajewski, and it was too moving not to share.  Formatting and emphasis mine -

"It still hurts …

If I could go back in time (17 years) and talk to myself, while still being who I am today, I would put my arms around the young woman sitting in that chair with her face covered in tears. I would tell her that I understand how lonely she feels, how scared she is, and how she feels like she can never do anything right. I would also tell her that one day soon the term “a blob of tissue” will no longer be used by anyone because it will be recognized as a scientifically and medically wrong term. It will simply be referred to as a fetus. 

The fact is, my sweet girl, that you have a life growing inside you. I know, oh how I know, that you do not feel ready to be a parent yet. I understand the feeling of having to take care of (what seems like) this problem and the want for it to go away. Please trust me, no matter what you choose to do, your problem, your situation, will never go away. You cannot erase this time in you life out of your memory however much you wish or try to. The hopelessness you feel, the confusion, and frustration that lives inside of you will not go away just because you end the life now growing inside of you. 

There will come a day in your life, a day that you cannot now imagine or ever believe to be true, but the day is going to come when you will understand life in a whole new way. That day, you will once again be struck by what you have done. Pain you now only think you understand will grip your heart and almost drown you. Your eyes will be opened to a whole new world, a spiritual world where you will see yourself for who you really are. You will weep like you never have wept before as you are allowing yourself to be embraced by the AlmightyTriune God. Before you are able to utter the words that are rising up inside you, you will already be forgiven. You will become a new creation, you will fall in love with a Heavenly King.

As you walk on this journey as a new creation, as a forgiven person, you will meet people that will bring your thoughts back to what you did all those years ago. You will meet husbands and wives that will share their inmost desire of having a child of their own. You will look at their faces, you will see the pain in their eyes, it will be as if you can feel their longing to have a child, but for some reason they cannot conceive on their own. Your feelings of guilt will once again rise up. What if you would have been able to give the life growing inside you to a loving husband and wife like that. One day, not so terribly far away, you will meet a man that will happily become your husband despite all your baggage. The day will come when you will find out that the two of you are expecting a baby together. You will rejoice, but once again, you will be reminded of this first time you found out you had a life growing inside you and tears will involuntarily stream down your cheeks.

Then, the beautiful day will come when you will experience a new kind of love. The love of holding your baby in your arms for the first time. At that same moment, you will experience a new kind of pain and sorrow. You will look at your beautiful baby and you will realize that this baby once were at the same place inside of you and began growing the same way as the life you decided to end. No one will ever again be able to convince you that you are not a murderer.

I cannot forgive myself, but I praise God that He is so much mightier than me. I praise Him for not depending on me forgiving myself in order for me to have forgiveness in Him."


I can't imagine.

Christianese for Beginners

The following is a quick primer on Christianese, for those of you who are either travelling or who may have encountered a foreigner in your hometown.  Please note that most Christians speak fluent American English and, as such, you will not need this guide to speak to and become friendly with them.  However, in the event that you encounter someone who stubbornly insists on speaking the Christianese dialect at all times, you may find this helpful.

I may follow this up with more elementary or intermediate Christianese at a later date.  For now, here we go - 

Amen (interj) – 1) let it be so.  Use instead of: 1) yes; 2) I agree; 3) you are right

Usage – 

Tom: Kale is nutritious.

Susie: Amen!

Anointed (adj) – to be chosen by God.  Sometimes used instead of: 1) I choose; 2) I want to

                

Usage – I am anointed to give testimony about my blind date last night.

 Alternate usage – This kale has been anointed to bless me with nutrients. 

Blessing (n) / bless (v) – anything good that happens.  Sometimes used instead of “coincidence.”

                

Usage – We went out last night to see a move – it was such a blessing!(*)

Alternate usage – This kale has been anointed to bless me with nutrients. 

(*) This is not hyperbole.  I actually heard these words in sequence.

Called (v) – 1) decided; 2) wanted.  Use instead of: 1) decided; 2) wanted; 3) thought it was a good idea

                     

Usage: I felt called to begin an exercise program since I gained some weight over the holidays.

Conviction (n) / convicted (v) – to feel bad.  Use instead of: 1) I am sorry; 2) I feel badly

                

Usage - I feel convicted about snapping at you earlier; I have been going through many trials.

Alternate usage - I was convicted about gaining some weight over the holidays, so I feel called to begin an exercise program.

Delight in (v) – to be happy about.  Use instead of: 1) to be happy about. 

Usage – If you do not delight in your role as a wife, you will be convicted of your failings and will be led to give testimony to other wives.

Alternate usage – If you do not delight in the trials of your new workout program, you will be convicted of your sloth and will give testimony about how holiday treats are of the devil.

Godly (adj) – the only word for “good” you will ever need.

                

Usage – Look how meek and demure Mrs. Smith is!  Clearly the Smiths have a godly marriage.

Alternate Usage – What godly window treatments!  They really let in the light from this day the Lord has made.

Led (v) - 1) decided; 2) wanted.  Use instead of: 1) decided; 2) wanted; 3) thought it was a good idea

                

Usage - I felt led to begin an exercise program since I gained some weight over the holidays.

Of the Devil (adj) – the only word you will ever need for “bad.”

                

Usage – I gained some weight over the holidays; holiday treats are of the Devil.

Persecution (n) – criticism of any sort.

                

Usage -

Teacher: Your writing needs some work; there are many spelling and punctuation errors.

Student: I’m being persecuted!

                

Alternate usage -

Child Protective Services: It is illegal to force 10-year-old girls to marry and sleep with 40-year-old men.  That’s called statutory rape.

 Compound resident: I’m being persecuted!

Testimony (n) – a story, any story.

                

Usage – Let me give you my testimony about my blind date last night.

 Alternate usage – Could you please give testimony about your daughter’s loose tooth?  Jim hasn’t heard about it yet.

Trial (n) – the only word for “something bad” that you will ever need.

Usage - The devil sends us many trials, such as when our shoelaces become untied and we trip over them.

How to successfully teach religion to kids

Normally I’m not a Doug Giles fan.  Scratch that – normally I’m REALLY not a Doug Giles fan.  I don’t agree with much that he writes, and on top of that he’s usually so arrogant.  But here, I am shocked to say I agree with him 100%.

In reading this, I see a couple big reasons that I probably fell away from the Church for a while.  For example –

“If you want to guarantee your kids will walk away from the faith, just make it an obnoxiously narrow, fastidiously legalistic, life-sucking, skull-numbing guilt trip.”

Yup – that was my upbringing, all right!  The worst of Catholic culture, inescapably up close and personal.  It was all about the rules with absolutely none of the softer stuff – no discussions about sensing God’s presence or seeing the fingerprint of God in every human being and all of creation.  Heaven forbid we attend a church where Mass had anything other than stodgy “sacred” organ music. 

“We never isolated ourselves.  Our friends were everyone.”

Growing up we were quite the opposite.  I was so isolated it was painful; I had to teach myself how to be normal when I left my parents’ house.  It’s still a work in progress.

“Lastly, our Christianity wasn’t anti-intellectual.”

Finally – the one thing my parents did right!  I read so many apologetics materials growing up that eventually I came back to the Church.  Regardless of how “the rules” just don’t seem to apply in the real world a lot of the time, I can’t escape the fact that the theology is really all there.  Not sure how to deal with that dissonance at the moment, so for now it’s in a little box in my mind.

So with my kids, I’m definitely doing things differently.  Having a particular faith is easy enough if everyone around you shares it.  But it doesn’t mean anything until you have your faith challenged by smart people who think differently than you.  Plus it’s imperative for kids to learn how to socialize with a wide variety of people, even if they don’t agree on everything.

Also, as Chesterton said, “Let your religion be less of a theory and more of a love affair.”  It’s a GOOD thing if religion feels good sometimes.  In fact, it should.  Doing the right thing is often painful enough, but if it’s ALWAYS painful, there’s something wrong.  Sunday school (which I help teach) can be fun sometimes.  Contemporary music at Mass is not a sign of the apocalypse.  And (horror of horrors) maybe sometimes it’s a good idea to get to know your fellow parishioners!  Shocking, I know.  My kids and I hold hands and sway during the music, I make sure they have good handshakes during the sign of peace, I help them find their place during singing and group prayers, and I point out things to look at and think about during silent prayer.

We’ll see how well this works.

Which Greek god are you?

This is beyond silly, but I took the quiz in the link, and surprise!  The answer is Athena.  I guess I picked the right pen name, no?

New look!

Hi everyone!

I was looking at my blog the other night and, as cool as the white writing on a dark green background looks, it really kinda hurt my eyes to read.  So I changed it.

Hope this is easier to read!

Sex, Lies, and You - part III of III

This series of posts is in direct response to this blog post and the related discussion below.  As much fun as comment whack-a-mole is, it does get time-consuming and exhausting.  So I decided to organize my thoughts and put them all in one place. 

Other thoughts –

We tend to focus so myopically on sex, whether you’re abstinence-only or pro-sex education.  We (as a whole) have completely lost sight of relationships.  Not enough people know how to build and maintain good relationships, and not nearly enough people know how to recognize the signs of an abusive relationship.  Among the relationship guidance I’ve encountered, I see two types:

1) Marriage is sacred and lifelong.  Do not ever consider divorce under any circumstances, for thou shall be singlehandedly responsible for the decline and fall of Western civilization.  Yea, though you have just returned from the ER after being treated for a head wound, and though you have long forgotten what it feels like to have sex out of love instead of out of physical coercion, thou shall continue to serve thy husband and meditate upon your failings as a wife. 

2) Leave at the drop of a hat.  He had a bad day and said something snappy?  Gone.  She had a bad day and said something snappy?  Gone.  Who care if you have built a 10-year marriage and have 2 children, a house, and a dog?  GTFO.  Now.

I’m exaggerating, obviously, but not by much.  I would like to think most people have more sense than that, but if you reach a point where you seriously need some guidance, there really isn’t anything useful out there.  Although I recently found reason to hope, because this is exactly the type of advice we need more of; notice how he states practically verbatim the concerns I have in his first paragraph.

And don’t even get me started about those “how to pick your spouse” guidelines.  (Here and here are just the first two that caught my eye).  One Christmas my mom even gave me “The ABC’s of Choosing a GoodHusband.”  After I was already married.  Thanks, Mom.

My litmus test for “how to choose your spouse” guidance is in two parts:

1) Would it have helped me avoid my hellish first marriage?

2) Would it have steered me toward my husband?

In every single case, the answer is “no,” and “no.”  Frankly, this is disturbing to me.  I would LOVE to find something that would have helped me avoid my first marriage, because I would LOVE to shout it from the mountaintops, email it to everyone, tape it on everyone’s desk …. you name it.  No one should have to go through what I went through.

If I could re-design our sex-ed classes, I would incorporate a mental health focus as well as a physical focus.  I would like to see some broader, more comprehensive discussion about relationships, and sex in that context.  Let’s talk about:

1) the types of things you find in good relationships, and what sex means in a good, committed, long-term relationships.  (Here’s a clue – it’s not like the movies)

2) the types of things you can do to be a good partner  (Here’s a clue – also not like the movies)

3) the types of things you find in abusive relationships, including some early warning signs and how sex can be used as a weapon in these types of relationships (Just for fun – Edward Cullen is example A)

4) how to figure out whether you can fix your relationship or need to leave

5) how to fix your relationship / how to leave safely

6) resources for fixing / leaving

7) lots and lots of examples and case studies

8) Sex -  What it means in a committed relationship (a lot), and what it means in a casual relationship (virtually nothing).  Emphasize that relationship symmetry cannot be assumed and cannot be easy to determine; this holds true for time and emotional investment, not just sex.  Interestingly, your best chances of relationship symmetry are really two extremes: one-night stands and marriage.  Let’s cover nuts and bolts, birth control, the fact that there is ALWAYS a risk of STD transmittal, and the fact that there is ALWAYS a chance that you will create new life.  New life is an awesome responsibility, and every sexually active person should have a plan for any new life that may be created.  Here’s a clue: abortion is not a plan.

“But Athena,” I hear.  “That’s WAY too much ground to cover!”  Oh yeah?  Too bad.  Without any discussion of context, discussion about sex means nothing.  We have such a void and a lack of wisdom regarding relationships, and we need to fix it. 

“But Athena,” I hear the conservatives say, “that’s what parents are for.  They model a healthy marriage so that their children know what to look for in a spouse.”  Awesome.  First of all, they’re not doing it.  They’re just doing the same “Sex is bad, mmkay?” that everyone else is doing.  Second, having one healthy relationship as a model isn’t particularly useful.  What if you know that model isn’t for you? 

I’ll give you an example - my parents have a healthy marriage.  They must – they’ve been together for 40 years and they both seem happy.  In their marriage, my mom calls all the shots and my dad is basically along for the ride.  Also, my mom disdains physical affection.  How many guys do you know that would put up with that dynamic? What if I actually enjoy affection?  Am I wrong?  How do I know what elements of their marriage are “healthy” and to be emulated?  How do I know what elements are completely subjective?

My husband and I also have a healthy marriage; we love each other and are ridiculously happy.  We decide things together and are very affectionate with each other and with our children.  I don’t follow their example at all.  If I had tried to, I would be with someone who was completely wrong for me, and I would likely be miserable.

So here I am.  Just me speaking out about the lies I was told and how what I was “supposed” to do would have been destructive to me.  Doing what I can to share the truth so that hopefully no one else has to go through what I went through. 

Sidebar –

At one point I was accused of being “sanctimonious.”  I assume that’s because I momentarily prattled on about “truth” like it’s a thing and made a reference to an omniscient God that I believe in.  I further assume that it’s because I invoked “truth” and “God” with regard to things that this individual didn’t agree with.  So let’s take a step back – if someone sounds “sanctimonious” when they don’t agree with you, why do you expect to communicate effectively when you are being sanctimonious yourself?  Food for thought.  Maybe think carefully about what you want to say and how you say it to maximize how receptive people are to what you want to say.

But damn – every once in a while it sure is fun to get a little “sanctimonious” and watch people get mad!  Not nice, I know – but fun!

I'm Catholic, but ...

From Catholic Memes on Facebook:

Ain't that the truth.

Sex, Lies, and You - part II of III

This series of posts is in direct response to this blog post and the related discussion below.  As much fun as comment whack-a-mole is, it does get time-consuming and exhausting.  So I decided to organize my thoughts and put them all in one place. 

“If you have sex before marriage, your marriage will be forever cheapened and your bond will be forever lessened.”

See also: “If you have sex before marriage, you will forever be comparing your spouse to previous lovers.”

Really?  Based on what?  How do you know?

Part of the problem with discussing this type of issue is that people have generally walked one path or another, and they have no genuine concept of what it’s like to walk the other path.  Plus, for some reason, people feel the need to degrade anyone who has chosen differently than they have.  I think that must be where we’ve gotten all these myths and lies about sex; I can’t help but wonder if it wasn’t a deliberate attempt to slut-shame.

I don’t know anyone who compares their spouse / significant other to previous partners.  I don’t do it, my husband doesn’t do it, none of my friends do it.  What the pro-abstinence group fails to understand is that each relationship is unique such that there’s really no such thing as a comparison; it’s a non sequitur.  Now, that doesn’t stop SOME people from trying; except they’re not really comparing – they’re purposely trying to make their current partner feel bad about themselves.  Again, the issue is not the sex; the issue is the abusive person trying to emotionally bludgeon their partner.

“If you have sex before marriage, you will forever struggle with infidelity.”

It boggles my mind that people seriously think that there’s no difference between having sex with someone while single (i.e. not committed to anyone), and cheating on your spouse (whom you have committed to).

I chalk this up to (again) people with no understanding of interpersonal relationships spouting baseless universals.  Here’s a clue: if you waited for sex until your wedding night, you have no basis from which to tell the rest of us what we are or will be experiencing.

“After the sexual revolution, marriage as a whole went down the toilet.  Therefore sexual permissiveness leads to bad marriages.”

What kind of permissiveness?  The kind of permissiveness where you think it’s okay to break a vow of fidelity you made to your spouse?  Yep, that’ll do it.  But that’s not usually the kind of permissiveness people are talking about.

So, a few other things were happening simultaneously around that time.  Recall that from about 1945 on, we would send large groups of PTSD-afflicted men home to their families and act like nothing had happened.  Mental health support for returning soldiers was even more nonexistent than it is now.  So what happened?  Abuse.  Lots and lots of abuse.(*)  These were very sick men and we released them on our most vulnerable people – women (pre-feminism) and children.  PatrickStewart discusses his particular experience with great wisdom.  Suddenly there’s a lot fewer people teaching their children about love and healthy relationships.  Suddenly a lot more children grow up without an example of what a healthy relationship is.  And we blame the decline in marriage on sexual permissiveness?  One has nothing to do with the other.

(*) This is the closest thing I could find on my assertion, and here is the post it came from.  Notice the spikes that kinda sorta coincide with when PTSD men would be coming back from combat.  I am actually having  a really hard time finding support either way for my assertion – I dunno, maybe I fail at Google?  I would genuinely appreciate anything that you could direct me toward, because I want to know if I am right or wrong.  I don’t think it’s too much of a stretch to say that if the rate of homicide peaked, the rate of domestic violence peaked, because both result from mentally ill people.

“Married sex is the best sex.”

This is mostly true.  Except when it’s not.

See also: “Sex outside of marriage is inherently abusive.”

Marriage is not a magic wand, but you wouldn’t know it by listening to the Cult of Virginity folks.  Again, see my earlier point about symmetry in relationships.  Sex within marriage can be plenty demeaning and abusive, as I experienced in my first marriage.  All of the sex I had outside marriage (even the casual sex) was far more healthy, both emotionally and spiritually than ANY of the sex I had in my first marriage.  After I finally got divorced (and I thank God every day for the existence of no-fault divorce), all the sex I had afterward brought me joy and healing and made me ready to be a good wife to my second husband.  Sex with my husband now is by far and away the best sex ever, because of the love we share and because of the marriage we have built.  Everything I did before my husband just pales in comparison and fades into the background.  Not sure how my experience before is "cheapening" my relationship with my husband if it occupies exactly zero space in my mind.

“If you have sex before marriage the relationship will become all about the sex.”

Tell me, what’s to stop a relationship from becoming all about the sex after marriage, hmm? 

If I may submit for your consideration, couple A and couple B.

Couple A – Has sex on the first date (or third, or twelfth – doesn’t matter).  Lives together for about a year, goes through some really formative experiences together, and decide to get married because they are right for each other.

Couple B – Decides to wait for sex until marriage.  Spends their days counting down to the wedding date, unable to think or talk about anything except how they can’t wait to have sex with each other.  Sure they talk about their compatibility, but it’s all theoretical since their various assertions of “oh we’re so perfect together!” are never really put to the test.  Plus they have a bad case of “saying what they think the other person wants to hear” since they can’t stand the thought of starting all over in the dating pool and waiting even LONGER to have sex.

Which one of these relationships is “all about sex” again?  That’s what I thought.

Far too frequently, people that are waiting until marriage rush down the aisle far too quickly so that they can have sex, only to find out, after the sexual tension is gone, that they are horribly wrong for each other.

“But Athena,” I hear, “your example couples don’t really exist.  The male in couple A wouldn’t even ask for a second date because he doesn’t respect the female.  That’s just how guys work.  And couple B would never happen because people who are waiting until marriage are very careful about who they marry and wouldn’t make that mistake.”

Oh really?  Would it blow your mind to know that couple A is my husband and me?  Lived together for 9 months, married for 5 years (so far).  He loves my daughters like his own and we just had a baby boy in May.

Couple A is also a couple in our group of friends.  Lived together for 5 years, married for 2 years (so far).

As for couple B, how else do you explain the significantly higher divorce rate in populations where people are religious and get marriedyoung?  Hmmmm?  (Not perfect congruence, obviously, because there are other factors at work.  But you can’t ignore this factor.)

“Just because everybody’s doing it doesn’t make it okay.”

Maybe not.  But you can’t go around claiming that sex outside of marriage will lead to the utmost of disasters and the end of the world when almost everybody is doing it and civilization has yet to collapse.  In fact, most people seem to do just fine, with no ill effects.

Well, you can claim that the sky is falling, simply because no one is stopping you, but no one will take you seriously.  And you have no one to blame but yourself and your hyperbole.

Sex, Lies, and You - Part I of III

Sex, lies, and you, Part I of III

This series of posts is in direct response to this blog post and the related discussion below.  (What?  It takes me a while to get my thoughts in order sometimes.)  As much fun as comment whack-a-mole is, it does get time-consuming and exhausting.  So I decided to organize my thoughts and put them all in one place.  This will read like a series of lies and my responses, based on observation and experience.  You know, like, facts.  Not baseless assertions, not insults, not condescension.    

Anyway, here we go -

“Sex is just an animalistic act.”

See also: “Sex is the deepest giving of yourself.”

See also: “Women are hard-wired to bond deeply during sex.”

See also: “Men are hard-wired to not commit and use women for sex.”

No.  Well, yes.  Sometimes. 

Sex seems to mean whatever your relationship with the other person means.  It’s that type of “sex has inherent value” thinking that leads to rape and sexual assault victims feeling ashamed and “ruined” (see Elizabeth Smart).

So, yeah – people are absolutely correct when they say that “everyone should decide for themselves.”  Because everyone’s situation is different.  Two spouses who love each other will experience the deepest giving of self during sex.  Two virtual strangers who have a one-night stand merely perform an animalistic act.

Here’s a clue: recognizing that context matters doesn’t mean moral relativity.

Regarding the disparity in wiring between men and women – how can you say this and then turn around and say, “Oh, sex within marriage is the deepest giving of self.”  Do you not see how this undermines the concept of sex being a bonding experience within marriage?  How can anyone possibly bond with such a gross disparity supposedly “hardwired” in?  Further, this nonsense all but excuses the way some men treat women like objects: “It’s in their nature.”

 “God’s law says that only sex within marriage is okay.”

Awesome.  Let’s have that discussion.  Totally separate from slut-shaming, putting virginity on a pedestal, broad pronouncements about “universals” of experience that don’t exist, and all that other crap.  Principles of interpersonal relationships appear to exist independently of what laws God and the Church have in place.  That’s why it doesn’t follow that, for example, “People who have sex before marriage and don’t regret it have inherently dysfunctional relationships.”  It doesn’t work that way.  And when you lie to people, it will only work until they figure out they are being lied to.  Then see if they ever trust you again.

“If you have sex before marriage, you will regret it.”

Maybe.  I’ve noticed among reading many testimonials and meeting many individuals that if you have sex because of other people you will probably regret it.  “Because of other people” means a variety of things, including being pressured into it, seeking love or acceptance, or feeling like you “should” for whatever reason.

On the other hand, simply holding sex up on a pedestal sets you up for disappointment, either in yourself because you didn’t wait as long as you wanted (and now you’re “ruined”), or in sex itself when you finally get married and realize that it’s not anything like the movies.  It’s better than the movies in a lot of ways, but you have to be open to appreciating sex for what it IS, not what you WANT IT TO BE based on books, movies, or porn.

However, if you have sex because you want to, with symmetrical feelings and expectations, those are the people with no regrets, because they had sex for the right reasons.  This is why sex within marriage usually goes so well – if two people love each other enough to get married, it’s pretty clear at that point that their relationship is symmetrical with regard to emotion and commitment.  On the other extreme end of the spectrum we have the one-night stand, another event with two people with symmetrical feelings and expectations (i.e. virtually none).  This is why one-night stands also tend to go well.

Where you run into trouble is either a friends-with-benefits arrangement or a dating relationship.  There is an EXTREMELY high risk of asymmetry, meaning one person has more feelings than the other one.  It’s when there’s a disparity in feelings and expectations that the trouble begins.  Issues are compounded by the fact that these two individuals tend to be immature enough to not SAY anything to each other, or ACT prudently on what they know to be true, so they suffer / assume in silence, while the problem grows.  “Well it wouldn’t be an issue if they weren’t having sex!”  Baloney.  Asymmetry in relationships is ALWAYS a risk in relationships.  Stories abound of unrequited love between friends, or of couples who are dating or even engaged where one person is more in love than the other, as well as the classic left-at-the-altar story where someone’s heart gets broken and there is NO sex involved.  Sex is not the issue; the disparity in expectations is.

This is so cool!

Check this out!

Influence in the battle of the sexes

Do me a favor, would you please?  Read this piece, and flip through a handful of comments.

Notice anything?  It appears from the comments that the disparity in research between "how women influence men" and "how men influence women" is ironclad proof of a Feminist Triumph!

???

First of all, I am assuming that we are excluding for our purposes any research regarding "how marriage influences women" because heterosexual women tend to marry men, if they do marry.  Or it could be that studies regarding how marriage affects women tend to have corresponding studies on how marriage affects men.

That being said, I have an alternative to the "Feminist Triumph!" theory.  Feminism definitely has a footprint, but we are still very much living in a patriarchal, masculo-normative (is that even a word?) society.  Thus, the focus is on how the introduction of women (or "independent variables" as Ms. Waldman states) affects the "norm" of a male-dominated environment.  As such, this disparity in research actually evidences how far feminism has yet to go in creating a society where "maleness" and "femaleness" is seen as equally valuable and equally good.

Five things ACA supporters are just learning (Part III of III)

… that ACA opponents knew from the beginning.  That’s why we were ACA opponents in the first place (duh).

See the full article here. 

Continued from Part II –

“4. Obamacare is immensely complicated.”

Tell me, what part of “2,000-page bill that no one has read” said to you, “The ACA is simple, intuitive, and straightforward”?  Here’s a clue: the correct answer is “Nothing.”

“5. The exchanges offer limited choice of doctors.”

Not just the big, bad insurance companies here.  Doctors themselves are opting out.  Yes, those paragons of selfishness, who racked up hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt, actually want to make enough money to pay off their debt, provide for their families, AND live the decent lifestyle that they have worked for years to achieve.  The horror!

In all seriousness, this is one of the biggest ways that companies cut costs – by limiting the range of benefits and in-network providers.  That’s how HMO’s work.  They are crazy effective at cutting costs, but the price of cutting costs is limited choice.  The ACA’s effect on insurance policies is no different – if you mandate lower costs, the first thing to go is a range of choices.

My designer insurance reform:

1) Get rid of state-specific insurance plans.  Let coverage be nation-wide.  This would increase competition (lower premiums), give each company a wider policyholder base (lower premiums), reduce state-specific administrative difficulties (lower premiums), but would also mean more claims payouts (higher premiums).  On balance, I think this will result in lower premiums.

2) Ditch the insurance-through-employer model (See part II).  This will hopefully eliminate the moral hazard problem as people pay for exactly the coverage that it’s worth it to them to pay for.  I think this will result in lower premiums.

3) Subsidized risk pools (See part I).  This will result in higher premiums, but I think all three points together will result in lower premiums and more satisfaction with coverage, on balance.

If you have any other ideas, or if I am wrong about anything, or I forgot to address something really important, please let me know.  I am genuinely interested in how to help fix our healthcare system without the train wreck of the ACA.

Five things ACA supporters are just learning (Part II of III)

… that ACA opponents knew from the beginning.  That’s why we were ACA opponents in the first place (duh).

See the full article here.  

Continued from Part I – 

“2. Many people will lose their current insurance.”

You don’t say.

Supporters of the ACA accurately state that technically there’s nothing in the ACA that forces insurance companies to take your plan away from you.  It’s the big, bad insurance company’s fault that you can’t keep your plan.

Yes, the big, bad insurance companies are doing exactly what anyone who paid attention in Econ 101 said they would do – change in response to the new regulatory environment.  With the new “minimum essential coverage” guidelines, all these plans are being legislated out of existence.

If I could just digress a moment to discuss these theoretical “junk” plans.  It’s the new talking point that everyone is getting a better plan.  This is just straight-up not true.  Story after story abound *cough* about people having to pay an exorbitantly higher amount for the same or fewer benefits.

Now, that being said, here is an area where I am actually with the ACA supporters – ACA opponents are complaining everywhere that because of the way different types of people are now lumped together, men are having to pay for maternity care, breast cancer, and a host of other female-specific conditions.  They’re not complaining so much that women have to pay for male-specific conditions, so I guess that’s not as big of an issue to them.  /eyeroll.

Listen here kids – if men’s and women’s premiums are all lumped together to pay for BOTH male-specific and female-specific conditions (setting aside maternity care for a second), on balance it’s a wash, unless there’s some huge difference in how common certain conditions are.  Which I don’t think there is; if you can find something to prove me wrong, please do.

Now – returning to maternity care – how do women get pregnant?  What’s that you say?  Because a man voluntarily had sex with her?  Awesome.  Guess why I don’t care that men are griping about having to pay for maternity care?  Show me a man who’s a virgin – he’s the ONLY one with a legitimate complaint in this department. 

“3. You don’t have to buy through the exchanges.”

Now this one right here isn’t technically about the ACA.  This item has more to do with the lack of general knowledge about open market insurance options.  And that makes sense - if most people are getting subsidized premiums through their employer, they have no need to go anywhere else.  It wasn’t until I switched jobs and decided not to pay $2000 a month to insure my family that I investigated my open market options.

The purpose the exchanges serve is a guaranteed place where anyone could buy insurance.  But since no one is likely to get on the exchanges for quite some time, and also since many of the big carriers are opting out of the exchange, I don’t think it’s going to be very effective.

But while we’re on the subject, it’s bullshit that the only way to get an insurance subsidy is to buy through the exchange.  Why can’t I buy a policy on the open market and then claim a deduction on my 1040?  Would that have been so bad?

Also, why are premiums paid through my employer deducted straight from my W-2 wages (thus lowering my AGI), while premiums paid myself are deducted elsewhere on the form and do not lower my AGI?  My AGI is used as a base to calculate the allowability and amount of several different deductions, so buying insurance myself (as opposed to through my employer) is essentially a penalty.

If it were up to me, I would scrap the insurance-through-employer model.  I would also scrap the insurance-pays-for-everything model.  I would make health insurance more like auto insurance.  You buy it on the open market, decide who you want on your policy (self, kids, grandma, down-on-her-luck friend, neighbors, parents, ANYONE), decide what your catastrophic illness deductible is (with the understanding that regular doctor visits are out-of-pocket*), and your price is adjusted accordingly. 

*One thing to remember with health insurance – if you have a high deductible plan and go to the doctor before you hit your deductible, look at your bill.  Your bill will show gross charges, “plan discounts” or some such, and the amount you owe.  Even though you’re paying out-of-pocket, you’re still not paying 100% of charges.  Whenever I’ve gone to the doctor with my high deductible plan, my actually out-of-pocket cost has actually been pretty darn good.

To be continued …