"It still hurts …
If I could go back in time (17 years) and talk to myself, while still being who I am today, I would put my arms around the young woman sitting in that chair with her face covered in tears. I would tell her that I understand how lonely she feels, how scared she is, and how she feels like she can never do anything right. I would also tell her that one day soon the term “a blob of tissue” will no longer be used by anyone because it will be recognized as a scientifically and medically wrong term. It will simply be referred to as a fetus.
The fact is, my sweet girl, that you have a life growing inside you. I know, oh how I know, that you do not feel ready to be a parent yet. I understand the feeling of having to take care of (what seems like) this problem and the want for it to go away. Please trust me, no matter what you choose to do, your problem, your situation, will never go away. You cannot erase this time in you life out of your memory however much you wish or try to. The hopelessness you feel, the confusion, and frustration that lives inside of you will not go away just because you end the life now growing inside of you.
There will come a day in your life, a day that you cannot now imagine or ever believe to be true, but the day is going to come when you will understand life in a whole new way. That day, you will once again be struck by what you have done. Pain you now only think you understand will grip your heart and almost drown you. Your eyes will be opened to a whole new world, a spiritual world where you will see yourself for who you really are. You will weep like you never have wept before as you are allowing yourself to be embraced by the AlmightyTriune God. Before you are able to utter the words that are rising up inside you, you will already be forgiven. You will become a new creation, you will fall in love with a Heavenly King.
As you walk on this journey as a new creation, as a forgiven person, you will meet people that will bring your thoughts back to what you did all those years ago. You will meet husbands and wives that will share their inmost desire of having a child of their own. You will look at their faces, you will see the pain in their eyes, it will be as if you can feel their longing to have a child, but for some reason they cannot conceive on their own. Your feelings of guilt will once again rise up. What if you would have been able to give the life growing inside you to a loving husband and wife like that. One day, not so terribly far away, you will meet a man that will happily become your husband despite all your baggage. The day will come when you will find out that the two of you are expecting a baby together. You will rejoice, but once again, you will be reminded of this first time you found out you had a life growing inside you and tears will involuntarily stream down your cheeks.
Then, the beautiful day will come when you will experience a new kind of love. The love of holding your baby in your arms for the first time. At that same moment, you will experience a new kind of pain and sorrow. You will look at your beautiful baby and you will realize that this baby once were at the same place inside of you and began growing the same way as the life you decided to end. No one will ever again be able to convince you that you are not a murderer.
I cannot forgive myself, but I praise God that He is so much mightier than me. I praise Him for not depending on me forgiving myself in order for me to have forgiveness in Him."
I can't imagine.
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