Christianese for Beginners

The following is a quick primer on Christianese, for those of you who are either travelling or who may have encountered a foreigner in your hometown.  Please note that most Christians speak fluent American English and, as such, you will not need this guide to speak to and become friendly with them.  However, in the event that you encounter someone who stubbornly insists on speaking the Christianese dialect at all times, you may find this helpful.

I may follow this up with more elementary or intermediate Christianese at a later date.  For now, here we go - 

Amen (interj) – 1) let it be so.  Use instead of: 1) yes; 2) I agree; 3) you are right

Usage – 

Tom: Kale is nutritious.

Susie: Amen!

Anointed (adj) – to be chosen by God.  Sometimes used instead of: 1) I choose; 2) I want to

                

Usage – I am anointed to give testimony about my blind date last night.

 Alternate usage – This kale has been anointed to bless me with nutrients. 

Blessing (n) / bless (v) – anything good that happens.  Sometimes used instead of “coincidence.”

                

Usage – We went out last night to see a move – it was such a blessing!(*)

Alternate usage – This kale has been anointed to bless me with nutrients. 

(*) This is not hyperbole.  I actually heard these words in sequence.

Called (v) – 1) decided; 2) wanted.  Use instead of: 1) decided; 2) wanted; 3) thought it was a good idea

                     

Usage: I felt called to begin an exercise program since I gained some weight over the holidays.

Conviction (n) / convicted (v) – to feel bad.  Use instead of: 1) I am sorry; 2) I feel badly

                

Usage - I feel convicted about snapping at you earlier; I have been going through many trials.

Alternate usage - I was convicted about gaining some weight over the holidays, so I feel called to begin an exercise program.

Delight in (v) – to be happy about.  Use instead of: 1) to be happy about. 

Usage – If you do not delight in your role as a wife, you will be convicted of your failings and will be led to give testimony to other wives.

Alternate usage – If you do not delight in the trials of your new workout program, you will be convicted of your sloth and will give testimony about how holiday treats are of the devil.

Godly (adj) – the only word for “good” you will ever need.

                

Usage – Look how meek and demure Mrs. Smith is!  Clearly the Smiths have a godly marriage.

Alternate Usage – What godly window treatments!  They really let in the light from this day the Lord has made.

Led (v) - 1) decided; 2) wanted.  Use instead of: 1) decided; 2) wanted; 3) thought it was a good idea

                

Usage - I felt led to begin an exercise program since I gained some weight over the holidays.

Of the Devil (adj) – the only word you will ever need for “bad.”

                

Usage – I gained some weight over the holidays; holiday treats are of the Devil.

Persecution (n) – criticism of any sort.

                

Usage -

Teacher: Your writing needs some work; there are many spelling and punctuation errors.

Student: I’m being persecuted!

                

Alternate usage -

Child Protective Services: It is illegal to force 10-year-old girls to marry and sleep with 40-year-old men.  That’s called statutory rape.

 Compound resident: I’m being persecuted!

Testimony (n) – a story, any story.

                

Usage – Let me give you my testimony about my blind date last night.

 Alternate usage – Could you please give testimony about your daughter’s loose tooth?  Jim hasn’t heard about it yet.

Trial (n) – the only word for “something bad” that you will ever need.

Usage - The devil sends us many trials, such as when our shoelaces become untied and we trip over them.