Game of Goats

Oh wow.  This is hilarious -

Christianese for Beginners

The following is a quick primer on Christianese, for those of you who are either travelling or who may have encountered a foreigner in your hometown.  Please note that most Christians speak fluent American English and, as such, you will not need this guide to speak to and become friendly with them.  However, in the event that you encounter someone who stubbornly insists on speaking the Christianese dialect at all times, you may find this helpful.

I may follow this up with more elementary or intermediate Christianese at a later date.  For now, here we go - 

Amen (interj) – 1) let it be so.  Use instead of: 1) yes; 2) I agree; 3) you are right

Usage – 

Tom: Kale is nutritious.

Susie: Amen!

Anointed (adj) – to be chosen by God.  Sometimes used instead of: 1) I choose; 2) I want to

                

Usage – I am anointed to give testimony about my blind date last night.

 Alternate usage – This kale has been anointed to bless me with nutrients. 

Blessing (n) / bless (v) – anything good that happens.  Sometimes used instead of “coincidence.”

                

Usage – We went out last night to see a move – it was such a blessing!(*)

Alternate usage – This kale has been anointed to bless me with nutrients. 

(*) This is not hyperbole.  I actually heard these words in sequence.

Called (v) – 1) decided; 2) wanted.  Use instead of: 1) decided; 2) wanted; 3) thought it was a good idea

                     

Usage: I felt called to begin an exercise program since I gained some weight over the holidays.

Conviction (n) / convicted (v) – to feel bad.  Use instead of: 1) I am sorry; 2) I feel badly

                

Usage - I feel convicted about snapping at you earlier; I have been going through many trials.

Alternate usage - I was convicted about gaining some weight over the holidays, so I feel called to begin an exercise program.

Delight in (v) – to be happy about.  Use instead of: 1) to be happy about. 

Usage – If you do not delight in your role as a wife, you will be convicted of your failings and will be led to give testimony to other wives.

Alternate usage – If you do not delight in the trials of your new workout program, you will be convicted of your sloth and will give testimony about how holiday treats are of the devil.

Godly (adj) – the only word for “good” you will ever need.

                

Usage – Look how meek and demure Mrs. Smith is!  Clearly the Smiths have a godly marriage.

Alternate Usage – What godly window treatments!  They really let in the light from this day the Lord has made.

Led (v) - 1) decided; 2) wanted.  Use instead of: 1) decided; 2) wanted; 3) thought it was a good idea

                

Usage - I felt led to begin an exercise program since I gained some weight over the holidays.

Of the Devil (adj) – the only word you will ever need for “bad.”

                

Usage – I gained some weight over the holidays; holiday treats are of the Devil.

Persecution (n) – criticism of any sort.

                

Usage -

Teacher: Your writing needs some work; there are many spelling and punctuation errors.

Student: I’m being persecuted!

                

Alternate usage -

Child Protective Services: It is illegal to force 10-year-old girls to marry and sleep with 40-year-old men.  That’s called statutory rape.

 Compound resident: I’m being persecuted!

Testimony (n) – a story, any story.

                

Usage – Let me give you my testimony about my blind date last night.

 Alternate usage – Could you please give testimony about your daughter’s loose tooth?  Jim hasn’t heard about it yet.

Trial (n) – the only word for “something bad” that you will ever need.

Usage - The devil sends us many trials, such as when our shoelaces become untied and we trip over them.

Which Greek god are you?

This is beyond silly, but I took the quiz in the link, and surprise!  The answer is Athena.  I guess I picked the right pen name, no?

Religion is a great cop-out

No, really.  It is sometimes.  I was teaching my 4-year-old Sunday school class yesterday, and I had the following exchange with one of the kids:

4-year-old girl: Do you have a baby in your belly?

Me: Why, yes I do!

4-year-old girl: Why?

Me: Because God sent me and my husband a baby.

That is as much about the process as I am willing to explain to a 4-year-old child who is not mine.  Being able to blame it on God gave me the perfect out.  So yes, I freely admit that in this situation religion was a great cop-out to avoid having to actually explain anything.

Ode to Busy Season 2011

So this busy season has been absolute hell.  Oh but I can hear you saying, “Athena, aren’t you an auditor? Yes?  Well of COURSE your busy season was hell.  You should know to expect as much after a few years in the profession!”  Well, yeah, but this year was more hellish than usual.  Without boring you with too much detail, our management decided that all of our jobs were copy+paste templates of each other and that they could rip established teams apart with reckless abandon to deal with staffing shortages.  Sorry, but a large, complex, multi-layered job is not the same as a little bitty job with 2 weeks of fieldwork and one week of wrap-up.  It can’t handle the same stress, and it is that much easier for everything to crash and burn.

Then I noticed that virtually every Evanescence song are so very applicable to the situation.  You don’t even have to change 85% of the lyrics, which I discovered when I decided that this busy season needed its own anthem. 

So, without further ado, I give you:

Ode to Busy Season 2011

(sung to the tune of Evanescence My Immortal, minimum recommended blood alchohol level of .12%, goth-style music video optional)

I’m so tired of being here
And still the end is nowhere near
And even when I leave
I can’t really just leave
You’re like a storm over my head
And you won’t leave me alone

These wounds won’t seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There’s just too much that time cannot erase

When I cried, ‘twas you who caused my tears
When I screamed, ‘twas you who caused my fears
I’ve been imprisoned all of these years
And you still have all of me.

You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
But by your light I’m
Burned and blinded
Workpapers haunt
My once-pleasant dreams
Review notes chased away
All the sanity in me

These wounds won’t seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There’s just too much that time cannot erase

When I cried, ‘twas you who caused my tears
When I screamed, ‘twas you who caused my fears
I’ve been imprisoned all of these years
And you still have all of me.

I’ve tried so hard to keep my head above the surface
My arms are so heavy; always been destined to drown ….

Dear friends at the FASB ...

Hehehe !!!

The FASB out of touch with reality?  You don't say ....

Check out this post at Going Concern. 

(Psst - see the "AthenaC" character in the comments?  That's me!)

Prostitution vs. Auditing

You know, I'm really not sure I got the better end of the deal -

TOP TEN REASONS PROSTITUTION IS BETTER THAN THE JOB OF AN ACCOUNTANT
10) You get to choose your clients.
9) Hotel, etc. expenses are directly billed.
8) You actually receive that high hourly rate clients are paying for you.
7) No dress code.
6) Close client interaction at all times.
5) You are working nights anyway.
4) Finally a way to fit exercise into a tight schedule.
3) Continual feedback - every two hours or so.
2) Not tied down working with a team (unless you want to be).
1) Either way you are still getting screwed.

And some more -

Are you a prostitute or an auditor?

You work very odd hours.

You are paid a lot of money to keep your client happy.

You are paid well but your pimp gets most of the money.

You spend a majority of your time in a hotel room.

You charge by the hour but your time can be extended for the right price.

You are not proud of what you do.

Creating fantasies for your clients is rewarded.

It's difficult to have a family.

You have no job satisfaction.

If a client beats you up, the pimp just sends you to another client.

You are embarrassed to tell people what you do for a living.

People ask you, "What do you do?" and you can't explain it.

Your family hardly recognizes you at reunions (at least the reunions you attend.)

Your friends have distanced themselves from you and you're left hanging with only other
"professionals."

Your client pays for your hotel room plus your hourly rate.

Your client always wants to know how much you charge and what they get for the money.

Your pimp drives nice cars like Mercedes or BMWs.

Your pimp encourages drinking and you become addicted to drugs to ease the pain.

You know the pimp is charging more than you are worth but if the client is foolish enough to pay it's not your problem.

When you leave to go see a client, you look great, but return looking like hell (compare your appearance on Monday AM to Friday PM).

You are rated on your "performance" in an excruciating ordeal.

Even though you get paid the big bucks, it's the client who walks away smiling.

The client always thinks your "cut" of your billing rate is higher than it actually is, and in turn, expects miracles from you.

When you deduct your "take" from your billing rate, you constantly wonder if you could get a better deal with another pimp.

Everyday you wake up and tell yourself, "I'm not going to be doing this stuff the rest of my life."

Big 4 firm structure

This is kinda old (i.e. still refers to big 5), but still very apt -

The Big 5 Firm Structure
MANAGING PARTNER
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a locomotive
Is faster than a speeding bullet
Walks on water
Gives policy to God

PARTNER
Leaps short buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a switch engine
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet
Talks with God

PRINCIPAL
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine
Is faster than a speeding BB
Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool
Talks with God if a special request is honored

SENIOR MANAGER
Barely clears a quonset hut
Loses tug of war with a locomotive
Can fire a speeding bullet
Swims well
Is occasionally addressed by God

MANAGER
Makes high marks on the walls when trying to leap tall buildings
Is run over by locomotives
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury
Treads water
Talks to animals

SUPERVISING SENIOR
Climbs walls continually
Rides the rails
Plays Russian Roulette
Walks on thin ice
Prays a lot

SENIOR
Runs into buildings
Recognizes locomotives two out of three times
Is not issued ammunition
Can stay afloat with a life jacket
Talks to walls

STAFF
Falls over doorstep when trying to enter buildings
Says "Look at the choo-choo"
Wets himself with a water pistol
Plays in mud puddles
Mumbles to himself

ADMIN PERSONNEL
Lifts buildings and walks under them
Kicks locomotives off the tracks
Catches speeding bullets in their teeth and eats them
Freezes water with a single glance
She/he is God.

(Source unknown)

Getting along with colleagues

12 Tips From a Staff to a Senior/Manager on How to Enhance the Relationship
1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 5:00 and then
bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. If it's really a "rush job", run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to
inquire how it's going. That helps.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a
chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books or supplies, don't open the
door for me. I need to learn to function as a paraplegic and opening doors
is good training.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the
priority. Let me guess.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I like the office and really have nowhere
to go or anything to do.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. Leaks like that could cost
me a promotion.

8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular
in conversation.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In
fact, save them until the job is almost done.

10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. When you refer to them
later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change
your life.

12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to
know someone is less fortunate.

(Source unknown)

Auditing pickup lines

10) Why don't we go back to my place, and I'll let you audit my staff.
9) Wanna sneak out behind the 'hedge' and play with my financial instrument?

8) If I had you, I wouldn't need to use my Handbook.
7) I think we should swap some liquid assets.

6) Take me home tonight, and I guarantee you'll see an extraordinary item.
5) I've been in public practice for several years, and that's easily the largest endowment I've ever seen.
4) Nice 'boot'. Wanna PUC?
3) I'd do just about anything to see your GAAP.
2) Can I put my substance all over your form?
and the #1 worst accounting pick-up line is...

1) So, how do you feel about things in arrears?

Other Notables
"Can we get back together next year for a review engagement?"
"I'm gonna have to make some adjustments to your bottom line."
"Maybe we should go back to your place so you can show me some inside information about your firm structure."
"I think we should introduce a 3rd party to evaluate our standing position."
"If we had a meeting, we wouldn't take 'minutes', we'd take hours!"
"If we get together, I won't have to WACC anymore."
"Trust me, I'm an accountant, I know how to manipulate firm assets."
"I'm so big, you'll consider it at least an arm's length transaction."
"Just because I only have a minority interest, doesn't mean we shouldn't integrate and do a rollover."
"If your sister joined us, we could have one hell of a related party!"
"Your friends should join us so that I could have some comparative figures to manipulate."
"Girl, you meet ALL my criteria, so you better believe I'm gonna capitalize!"
"Take me home, I'm 'assure' thing!"
"Who's your auditor?!?! Who's your auditor?!?!"

(Source unknown)

Auditing, WoW, and You (II)

Every new day of auditing is like the Eye of Eternity whirlwind all over again –

Glossary –

Turn in the quest – submit for review

Chain quest / follow-up quest – review notes

Down the boss – complete the audit

Audit hits the enrage timer – do I have to define this one?

Got run through an instance – good set of prior year workpapers

But you still pull agro - … but you fail anyway

Roflpwned – Dual-purpose tested and found controls to be effective and no differences found

Auditing, WoW, and You

How is auditing like World of Warcraft?  Let me count the ways –

Level 85 – CEO of a big 4 firm

Level 75 – Office managing partner

Level 70 – Local, nondistinctive partners

Level 55 newly-minted death knights – Managers (and WAY too overpowered for their level, if I do say so myself)

Level 15 – Me.  I can kill dragons, but only the baby ones.  (But those dragons in Lakeshire still wipe me out on occasion.)